Have you ever seen a picture with the hundred different smily faces that each showed a different emotion?
Through our adoption process we have felt many different emotions:
- Determination when we committed to stepping out in faith and beginning the adoption process.
- Fear that we may never be accepted by an agency or that we would be rejected by the government.
- Excitement when we got the email from His Hands Taiwan saying our application to work with their organization had been accepted.
- Worry that my home would not be clean enough or that the Social Worker would think I would not be a good mother.
- Peace knowing that God is in control and that His plan for our lives was perfect.
- thankfulness for all of the help we received
- Unimaginable joy the moment I found out about Grace, the tears that streamed down my face uncontrollably and the laughter that rang out.
- Love that poured out of my heart the moment I laid eyes on Grace, the amount of love I feel each moment of each day for her.
- Feeling apart of a family with the people at His Hands in Taiwan. My family not only grew with one itty bitty girl, but with all the people who love her in person for me each day, who love these amazing women who make one of the hardest decisions of their life.
- drive and determination to be an advocate for adoption and orphans, to teach people about the process, to get them thinking.
only to name a few...
Recently I have been struggling with a different set of emotions, emotions that I felt ashamed to share. You see I felt weak admitting that life was not all rainbows and lollipops, or that waiting is not always easy. I felt like I would reflect badly on the adoption process if I admitted when I was having a hard time. I did not want people to think I am doubting God's plan for our life. I realized though that if I didn't share all of my emotions- the good and the bad- that I was not being completely honest. Sometimes I get caught in the trap of feeling like people want to see perfection in me. That all of you reading our blog and finding out about our process only want to hear the good news, the positive aspects. I should be shielding you from the reality of missing a little girl I have yet to meet. You see it is not easy getting up each morning knowing the little girl you love is on the other side of the world. It isn't easy to see a picture of her and see her grow and think that I missed all of those moments. It is heartbreaking to know that when she cries I am not there to hold her, to whisper in her ear. I don't know what her hair smells like, I don't know what it is like to have no sleep because she was up all night screaming, I have never seen her smile at me, or hold her Daddy's finger in her little hands. I have no idea when she will be coming home. I can not read to her or watch her explore the world.
I trust that if you read this you will not see my weakness, but instead you will see my heart. Adoption is not easy but it is worth it. It isn't something you do alone, it is something you do with the support of your family and friends. Every hug, every note, every prayer... means the world to us. Your love and support is so encouraging.
If you think of us please pray for a peace as we walk through this season of our adoption. We are waiting for news on some issues with our paperwork and we are trusting God to see us through this process. It is through my weakness that God's power is made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness".)
Blessings
